“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary..” – Fred Rogers

I want to start by telling you all how wonderful it feels to write these blogs! I have had people reach out to make sure that I was okay. I have also had many people tell me how the tears start falling when they are reading them. That is not my goal in sharing my story! Talking about this doesn’t make me any sadder! In fact, it lifts such a weight off me! For the readers, you are hearing the stories, sometimes for the first time, and getting a glimpse of the pain. For me, this is my truth! These are the circumstances, thoughts, and emotions that I live everyday. It doesn’t feel good to keep it all inside. I want people to know my truth, and now, I get to shout it out to whoever wants to hear it!

The end of February, my younger brother sent me a text and asked me if I had seen Collateral Beauty, a movie from 2016 with Will Smith. I hadn’t. He recommended it, so I watched it. I was not prepared for the emotions that it stirred up. I started to cry and didn’t stop for the rest of the night. A lot of times when I’m struggling, I will journal my random thoughts and try to process through them. I started to journal and decided I felt jealous that this character was able to (or at least appear to) shut down completely. Why did I feel jealous? Well, I didn’t feel like I had that privilege to just shut down. I had to keep on living and be the surviving parent for my kids. They had experienced enough loss. I needed to know that they would be okay. 

The next night, while journaling, I had an epiphany. I really hadn’t faced my grief honestly. I had a lot of sad, angry, disbelief moments, but I always shut them down and would go back to pretending to be “okay”. I realized that I really wasn’t jealous that this character shut down, I was afraid that if I ever allowed myself to fully face my grief, I might shut down for good! If I shut down, I might never make it back! Nobody would blame me, right? It would definitely be justified. Pretending to be strong and facing another day seemed easier than facing the reality of my pain. Now, I wondered, what should I do? That scared me! I have never felt strong. People have said I am strong, time and time again, but to me, I just survive. That’s not strong! I wasn’t out making a statement about gun safety, suicide prevention, heading up support groups, or anything else. To me, those are the strong club members, the ones who honor their child by supporting a cause in their name.

The very next day, my older brother (who recently lost his daughter) sent me a link to a podcast with Dr Joanne Cacciatore. He said it was something he had just heard that day and wanted to share it with me. It was all about, “Why we need to surrender to our grief and turn toward painful feelings.”(1)  I was shocked. He had no idea what I was going through right then. Neither of my brother’s had ever randomly given media links on child loss or grief for me to watch. They both did it, for the first time, within 3 days, and unbeknownst to each other. 

God gives us answers when we ask, but sometimes they are more obvious than other times! This was very obvious. I’m not sure why it was happening now, but I trust God does.

I listened to the podcast and loved it. I bought her book, Bearing the Unbearable: Love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief, and read it. In the book, it said we should not be afraid of grief, we need to embrace it. She wrote, “Grief is like the monster in my childhood closet: if I can muster the courage to get out of bed and turn on the light, I realize that he isn’t so terrifying and may not even be who I believe he is. After going to look at him where he hides, I climb back into bed and confront his gaze again in the darkness. If I repeat this often enough, I even learn to trust him. I begin to understand that monster isn’t separate from me.” (2)

She said we need to connect with others for “compassionate” support. People who can relate to our trauma. Grief is love, the love for someone we can no longer be with. It is not a mental illness.

I know I repeat that a lot in my blogs- that grief is not a mental illness. But, when you grieve as hard as I have, and you don’t know what to do with it, you really do question your mental health. Most of all, you question if people around you question your mental health. “Why can’t she let this go?” Or, “Will she ever get over this?”

The following week as I journaled more, I had another epiphany. Why don’t I blog this instead of keeping it to myself? It’s a way for me to share my story, process my grief, and connect with others. I have the ability to help people understand that grief is not temporary, it is not something that you get over and stop feeling. As long as I love my son, I will grieve for him. Sometimes with happy memories and sometimes with deep sadness. That doesn’t make me bipolar. It makes me his loving, grieving mother.

So that’s how this all came to happen. Now, I know what to do with all of this grief. I have only read a few blogs before this adventure; I am learning as I go. I need a refresher course in grammar, syntax, and punctuation rules, and much more education in website design, but I’ll get there! For now, I’ll share my circumstances, thoughts, and emotions, as I feel compelled to.

I really appreciate all the love and support from my friends and family. I have brought some of the emotions you all have felt, back up to the surface. Right now is the best time for me to share my blogs, but I understand that it may not be the right time for everybody to read them. Everybody needs to grieve in their own way, and in their own time. I’ll do my part now, and others can do their part if they want, when they are ready!

Jo >;<

1. The One You Feed Podcast, 03/03/2023, “How to Navigate the Path of Grief with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore”
2.  Bearing the Unbearable: Love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

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