Nobody wants to be in the grieving parents club! As a parent, losing your child is the most dreaded nightmare of all.

My kids were raised in a very small community.  There were less than 500 students K-12 at the time they attended school. The families were tight knit, as most of the kids knew each other from preschool through graduation. When a family had a hardship, everyone rallied around. 

A student in my son Nate’s class, died after an automobile accident on homecoming night. He was with his mother heading to his brother’s college football game. That was the beginning of our club in 2008. That class, the class of 2013, was very close before, but after their classmate died, they were mostly inseparable. We had sleepovers and outings that never left anyone out. 

In 2011, a student who had graduated earlier took his own life. His younger brother was also in the 2013 class.

Then in 2013, less than 2 months after the class had graduated, Ryan died. Everyone rallied around us as we had all done before. We had a community that grieved the loss of our children. A class that lost one of their classmates and two of their big brothers. Parents that lost their sons.

Before that horrible day, I knew the other parents grieved, I knew they felt pain that I wasn’t able to conceive, but I had no idea how completely debilitating that pain actually was until Ryan died. I remember wondering how my friend was still functioning with such extreme pain 5 years later. I honestly did not  feel like I could make it through a day. The grief is unbearable. 

People will say that it gets easier with time. That is really not true. You just learn to live with the pain. You learn to control how and when it will knock you down. At first it’s like having a baseball pitching machine shooting balls at you from every direction, non stop! Over time you can learn to block them somewhat. Then, you may even be able to catch a ball here and there, and hold on to them until you’re ready to acknowledge them. Eventually, you can learn the patterns and dodge them for awhile, but, it doesn’t happen all the time. Many times, the balls hit you when you’re not expecting and you just need to feel the pain right then!

I also compare the pain to tinnitus (ringing in the ear). My right ear has nerve damage and rings non stop. It has for over 20 years. I don’t notice the ringing all of the time, even though it doesn’t ever stop. Sometimes, however, it really seems loud, and I can’t block it out. That is the same with the pain in my heart. It NEVER stops hurting. Sometimes I am able to block out that pain, but it is always there, and eventually it becomes all I can focus on for the time. 

Scientists have verified that there actually is broken heart syndrome. Symptoms can be short term, but they can also become permanent, or even fatal. I designed my heart logo after learning about broken heart syndrome. I wondered how many times my heart can be broken before it stops working.

The other parents of child loss understand broken heart syndrome all too well! I’ve met many more grieving parents along the journey, mostly mothers. Too many!!!

I have worked in child care for over 30 years, and in 2012, one of my sweet babies died from a brain tumor. He fought so hard. It is a heartbreaking story. 

Less than 3 months before Ryan’s death, one of his closest friends died from an unknown heart defect while he was out snowmobiling. Ryan was crushed. Little did we know that they’d be back together so soon! I didn’t know his friend’s family at all before his death, but we all have a special bond now.

I remember when a friend of mine that I hadn’t been close to for some years lost her son in a car accident. It was 2006. I didn’t reach out and I didn’t go to his funeral. Her son was the same age as Ryan, they played together when they were toddlers. I was so crushed and unable to fathom that kind of pain. I was too scared to allow any of that into my world. I justified my selfish behavior because we had been distant for so many years, but I always felt guilty. The guilt however was tenfold once I lost Ryan. When I was upset at how some of my dearest friends avoided me after Ryan’s death, I was reminded of how I had reacted 7 years earlier. Even though it hurt, I had to understand. 

“Because we were never properly taught how to talk about the conflicting feelings caused by loss, we are often afraid to talk to our friends when they have experienced a loss. Therefore our own fear will cause us to avoid grievers or to avoid the subject of their loss. Fear is one of the most common responses to loss.” – The Grief Recovery Program

Only five months after Neal’s passing, our niece was murdered in Louisiana leaving her two daughters for my sister-in-law to raise. She was 29. I was still in a complete state of turmoil trying to catch my breath. I didn’t attend her funeral, and I will always regret not being there to support my sister. I did reach out and we talked quite a bit on the phone for awhile. Staying close to Neal’s family has been hard. We used to visit more than once a month, now it’s closer to once a year. 

For some time before my niece died, nobody knew her whereabouts. I can’t imagine the pain that a parent feels when their child is missing and endangered. I assume there is some relief with a glimmer of hope that they will be found, but I’m sure the fear of worst case scenarios is much more prominent. I thank God that, at the very least, I didn’t have to bear that pain!

My oldest brother lost his daughter in 2021. She had a hard, decade long battle with pulmonary hypertension! She left her three young adult children. My brother is always apologizing to me now (which is completely unnecessary) saying that he had no idea I had been going through the intense pain that he is now suffering.

If you haven’t lost your child, you can’t comprehend the pain. I have lost best friends, my husband, my sister, grandparents, dogs, etc… they are not similar, no matter how close you were. When people try to connect to your grief and compare some other losses to losing a child, it can feel like they are devaluing your loss. I try to remember that I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and they are only trying to understand, and help. How nice would it be, to not understand! 

If you are a member of the shattered parent’s club, I am sorry for the pain you endure.  I pray you will find good connections to help you in your journey. I pray your loved ones will show you signs that they are always with you! 

Jo >;<

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