Grief is the price we pay for love. — Queen Elizabeth II
Ten years ago marked the biggest loss of my life! I remember every moment that night, every decision we had to make. The unbearable pain leading up to our son’s final moment, and then, all the chaos that followed.
We knew right away that we wanted a cremation. The thought of laying his body down in a grave was something I could not bear! We discussed briefly getting a family plot, but then we wondered about Haley and Nate having their own families someday, maybe living somewhere else. Would they really want to be buried here? Neal and I knew we wanted to be cremated, we thought maybe a part of us could go with each of them, not in some grave. I wanted Ryan with me no matter where I was. We decided to take his ashes home with us.
We found other ways to memorialize his life without using a headstone at the cemetery. Close friends and family helped too. One year after his death, a very close family friend had a flag flown at the Capitol on 7-7-14 in memory of Ryan. The flag was sent to us with a letter authenticating that it was flown in Ryan’s honor on that date! It was an amazing gift that I still treasure and have hanging on my wall.
The best way I memorialize Ryan is by talking about him. Telling his stories. Ryan died on the 7th of July, but we had his services on the 13th. It was Rodeo Weekend in Sheridan Wyoming. Having that weekend forever tied to his memorial carries it’s own emotions. Rodeo weekend is full of celebrations, but it is always the saddest time of my year.
Two years after Ryan died, I said there was no way I was doing any of the Wyo Rodeo festivities. I was not feeling happy and did not want to go out and put on a “happy” face. But, after I found out that one of Ryan’s best friends was going to be singing at the local brewery, I was excited to go. My sister was in town with Hammer and went out with us. Ryan must have orchestrated our gathering that night. Soo many of his friends, his friend’s parents, our friends, and family were there. It was amazing! He had made sure we all remembered him and had fun doing it! We listened to some awesome music, danced, and told story after story! It was emotional, but a special gathering of support that I really needed!
“There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they have gone the light remains.” – Unknown
After Ryan died… As time passed, I wanted a place for others to visit him and memorialize him, but not at some random spot in a cemetery. It was three years later that we were able to honor him at the M&M Hockey Rink in Sheridan. We presented Sheridan Ice with a bench made just for Ryan! It was a wish of his that Sheridan have an indoor rink, and ironically and suitably his bench sits outside in the patio area for anyone to visit. One of his closest friends, who owns a sign business, worked together with a fabrication business to make the bench. Friends and family helped raise enough money for the project. Neal had taken his life 3 months earlier. It was very tough doing that day without his support, and I felt angry he had left us. I am so thankful, however, that we were able to memorialize Ryan there. People who know me will often let me know when they visit Ryan’s bench!
Ryan’s friend at ABC Signs also made me a beautiful engraved garden rock that I designed.
Ryan was too active to just be in one spot. He needed to be everywhere. Six years after his death on what would have been his 30th birthday, we honored him around the world. I sent a small amount of Ryan’s ashes to close family and friends for them to send off in a Chinese lantern or on a floating candle. Some friends found other ways to spread his ashes, and some just wanted to keep him with them. It all was very heartfelt! His ashes are in Norway, Alaska, Hawaii, Australia, New York, Georgia, Texas, North Dakota, South Dakota, Idaho, Utah, Washington, Oregon, Nevada, California, Montana, Colorado, the Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, and of course, all over Wyoming! It was by far the best birthday celebration we could have ever dreamed of in his honor!
I worry about what will happen to Neal and Ryan’s ashes when I die. I’ve thought about having Neal’s ashes buried with his parents when they pass. I don’t have a place for others to visit Neal. His ashes are with me. On a bookcase with Ryan’s ashes too. I wonder about Ryan’s ashes when I pass. I get anxiety about it. I try to trust that I’ll know what to do differently, if anything at all, when the time is right.
Dragonflies memorialize Ryan for me. When I see them flying around me, in pictures or stories, I always think of him. I always pause and let my spirit decide if it is him letting me know he is with me or just a random moment. I would like to believe there are no coincidences and seeing them are always signs. Regardless, he is always on my mind seeing them anyway!
My younger brother wrote a post to Ryan once that I really appreciated. He wrote “In case you think I have forgotten about you… The truth is, you really only cross my mind when I eat scrambled eggs, hamburgers, catsup, spaghetti, fudge, cookies. Or when I see motorbikes, four wheelers or snowmobiles. Or guns of any type. Hunting photos, hockey, football, or baseball, skateboards, surfboards. Rock climbing or caving. Oh and the radio is fine unless they play any country, rap, or a song from the 80’s or 90’s. Many movies are torture. Hospitals and churches can be troublesome. Holidays, birthdays, and just family members in general. Praying, fasting and scripture study. Toy cars, fast trucks, jeeps or broncos. I can’t pet a dog. Don’t mention paint ball or video games. I can’t look at a tachometer. Green shirts, skull caps, keep calm statements. Beautiful smiles, unbridled laughter, sincere hugs. Oh, and socks. There is more but for the most part, I am OK if I can avoid these things. I love you!”
I think as we continue to live without Ryan in our lives, the last part of my brother’s post should say “I am OK as long as I have these things to remember you!” When we remember him we still feel the same pain that he is gone, but we also remember the love we still have for him.
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