“Just as you knew you loved him and could remember him on demand before he died, the same will be true now and into the rest of your life.” – Karen Nicola
I fear losing memories… especially of Ryan. It is said that after people die, it is their voice that people usually forget first. I’m glad I have a lot of videos to remind me.
“Memory is Treachery” is the tattoo on Ryan’s chest. It was written in reverse; tattooed for him to read when he looked into the mirror. He got it after watching the movie Momento. Such emotions arise when I look at pictures of him with that tattoo showing.
“Tattoos… are the stories in your heart, written on your skin.” – Charles De Lint
On what would have been Ryan’s 25th birthday, while we were in Vegas, Nate got the same tattoo on his chest in his brother’s memory. At the same time, I got a tattoo of a dragonfly with Ryan’s name down the center. On Haley’s 18th birthday, she got a tattoo of the eternity sign with three arrows representing her and her brothers.
“Art approaches as a saving sorceress, expert at healing.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
The night Ryan was shot, before I knew, I was sitting in our camper awake while Neal and Haley slept. Nate didn’t come with us that weekend because he had to work. I was bored and for some odd reason, I decided to see if I could sketch my daughter’s face. I had never sketched any face before. I found out rather quickly that I was no good at it!
About six months down the road, I was struggling with thoughts that I would forget Ryan’s face. In my mind, I decided that if I could draw him, I would never forget him. I became obsessed with drawing him. I watched videos on how to draw a face. I copied his photographs to trace and practice with. Over and over again, I practiced until I finally got it. It was not great, but it was recognizable as Ryan to other people. That’s what made it good enough. For his 29th birthday, I sketched him as an angel. I can freehand sketch his face still today.
“Every so often your loved ones will open the door from Heaven and visit you in a Dream. Just to say HELLO and to remind you they are still with you, just in a different way.” – Matt Fraser
Some people have dreams of their loved ones after they have passed. Some never do. I don’t understand why or why not. I wish I did know, so I could figure out a way to dream of Ryan nightly! I only dream of Ryan occasionally, and only a couple of those times did I feel it was him sending me a message.
The first dream I had of Ryan after he died, he was standing at the top of the stairs in our house holding a white puppy. I started to cry and wanted so badly to hug him, but for some reason I wasn’t able to. The dream was really brief. When I woke, I sat up in bed and told Neal, “Ryan was here last night!” I realized what I had said as I said it. It was such a vivid dream, I really do believe he was showing me he was okay. I cried the whole day after waking up. I have since had dreams where I get to hug him, those dreams are so wonderful!
In another dream, he was climbing a big metal bar jungle gym. I saw his muscles and tattoos and his face so clearly. I was in awe at how vivid the details were! In the dream, I was thinking, “I need to remember every detail, I don’t want to forget anything about him.”
When I dream of my kids now, Ryan usually isn’t in them, which makes me sad. When I dream of Ryan now, many times he is much younger and I am usually aware in my dream that he is not supposed to be there, that he has passed.
At different times throughout the past 10 years, I have run across new pictures, videos, and stories of Ryan. These are a true blessing! The latest one I found was just last year. There was a small digital camera that had been in a miscellaneous box of cables and chargers. I had noticed it from time to time when moving, but hadn’t looked to see if there were pictures on it. I was going to throw the box out and decided I had better see if anything was on it. I didn’t know it was Ryan’s camera. There were videos of him and his friends target shooting, pictures from Norway, and many more. Quite a few pictures I had never seen. When I see new pictures or videos of him, I feel like I am experiencing a new moment with him.
It must have been a year or more after his death when I was scrolling through Ryan’s Facebook posts and noticed many comments from “Oakley Assault.” I immediately clicked on the page and saw that Ryan and his buddies had made a page about the tactical gloves they all wore. The page is hilarious! It focuses on the life of the gloves instead of any person. I laughed and cried. I was so thankful for finding that!
I often ask for people to share stories about him. Occasionally I will get one that I haven’t heard, but I love hearing all the stories over and over again, regardless. One of the funniest stories was when he was out with his dad and I and some friends at the Mint Bar (a very cowboy bar). He had stayed later with our friends and one of them dared Ryan to go tickle a tough looking man’s armpit. The man was sitting at the bar, wearing a wife beater shirt. He told Ryan he would give him all the cash in his wallet if he did. Ryan did it, and received only about $11 for it! He then sat at the bar with the man and had a beer with him.
Ryan, much like his dad, loved to get a reaction out of people. He bought a Bronco from his cousin and loved it. When getting the Bronco insured, the company asked him to send pictures of the vehicle. Ryan took it out muddin’ and jumping while his friends took pictures for the insurance policy! He was quite the hysterical smart ass at times!
When he was 16, he had convinced his dad and I to allow him to go with his good friend, on Christmas Day, out muddin’ for a while. The story was that his friend had received a new tow hitch for his Jeep and they wanted to try it out.
When he hadn’t returned and it was getting dark, we started to worry. He was not responding to our phone calls. Ryan was employed by AT&T and always had his cell phone with him. Neal decided to go out and look for them thinking they might have run into trouble. Neal could not find them, and ended up getting pulled over by the Sheriff who was wondering what Neal was doing driving around at the pits on Christmas Day. Eventually, Neal made it home without any luck. I called his friend’s parents to ask if they knew anything. They told me that their son was home and had not made plans with Ryan. I panicked. I called and called with no answer. Finally at about 8:30, he called and said he was on his way home, but couldn’t talk right then because he was getting pulled over for speeding. It turns out that Ryan had met a girl on MySpace that lived 2 hours away in Montana and he went to see her. He knew he was going to be in trouble and wanted to get home fast. He was driving 108 miles an hour when he got pulled over. Needless to say, he had a lot more consequences than just the speeding ticket.
Ryan never did anything small. When he decided to do something such as skiing, climbing, paintball, hockey, shooting… he went all out. He practiced hard and would make sure he was successful at it. He really experienced life in a grandeur way, all within the short 24 years of his life. I’m so thankful that he did.
Ryan had sent a text message to a friend of his about 11 months before he died. This is what he wrote…
“Everything we do has a motive. Everything. I believe in paying it forward. That every good thing we do has a positive effect on someone and that the more positive energy we displace on the world the more we shall feel ourselves. I don’t believe that I can give somebody something and I’ll be more likely to win the lottery or some shit like that. I just know that helping people makes me feel better. And that’s all I need to be happy. I believe the opposite to be true as well. That when you treat someone with hate, you hate yourself more as well, and you feel more negative energy. I find that a lot of people try to find God when they hate themselves. Start trying to find God’s approval instead of their own. You have to be happy with yourself to put out positive energy. Devoting yourself to God doesn’t make you happy. Doing things because your God tells you to doesn’t make you truly happy. Honestly I think religion is a good structure for the basis of karma. But being religious and doing what your God tells you to do, does not make you happy. Religious people that have found happiness have found comfort in themselves. And to say I’m unhappy about some of my decisions is one thing. But I am very content with my soul knowing I’ve tried hard to do more good than evil. And more importantly, the good decisions I’ve made were for me and no one else.”
The fact that he was truly happy with his life brings my heart some peace. God gave us a lifetime of wonderful memories with him in it!
This Memorial Day would have been Ryan’s 34th birthday. Ten long years since I last hugged him! I keep him alive in my heart and memories, sharing the stories of the past. I hope he will visit me again in my dreams soon, happy birthday son!
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