What is my purpose in this world? Could everyone have a specific purpose? Walking in public, I look around at people, it’s tough to believe that every single person on this earth is here for a reason. But I suppose… each person has their lineage, their devotion to what is important to them, and with God’s will, a purpose in life.
This past year I have learned so very much about myself. Through my therapy, my blogs, and even dealing with the loss of my dad, I am feeling happier to be alive. Those are pretty big words, at least for me… “happy to be alive.” To admit that, means admitting that I was not happy to be alive before. After the death of my son, I honestly did not want to live, I wasn’t suicidal, but I secretly wished for my death. Death would be easier than living with the depth of grief that I live with.
After my husband’s suicide, I felt so unworthy of being my children’s only parent. They deserved more than me, they deserved him. He was a better parent, a better person. I wished that I had been the one that had died and he had lived.
My children are my biggest accomplishment. If my purpose in life was to have my beautiful children, I have fulfilled my purpose, right?
The death of Ryan was the key to my dad accepting Jesus as his savior and ultimately his salvation. After he passed away, I questioned even more whether my purpose was just having my kids. Well, is that it? Am I done?
A while back I wrote a blog “Good Enough,” telling all the ways I never felt like I was enough. Considering what my purpose could be and the different roles I have as a child, friend, wife, and mother, what can I say I have done to merit a “purpose for being?”
There have been times that I am so angry at life that I want to give up and my kids have seen that. Times when I have had meltdowns, and rage and acted out of control. I felt out of control and afterwards it took time to recover. Those times are times that I wish I had been a better parent. I should have been teaching them how to overcome life’s trials, not let them break me down.
Recently however, I have been feeling better about who I am and I’m thinking that maybe I am enough. My kids still love me and trust me, they forgive me for my faults. Maybe all those mistakes I remember with such regret, I can forgive myself for. I’ve done the best I knew how under the circumstances I faced, and ultimately I am determined to overcome the hardships. It is just taking so much more time than I expected.
“If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.” – James E. Faust
I want to be happy. I want to be a better person. Pursuing positive mental health is something that I have chosen. I know there is no easy way to plan for happiness. So many factors play into it; my genetics, my physical health, and the environment around me. If you don’t know me well enough, you may not see any sign that I struggle with depression or grief. I try to hide it because it is frustrating to feel depressed. I feel like I’m doing something wrong and whatever that is, it must be the reason why I feel so bad. I try to control my thought process. I think, “I just need to think positive, mind over matter,” or “prayer will get me there.” I want to hurry and find the thing that will fix it. I hate feeling sad! I don’t want it to define my everyday life. Yet, most days, it does. My doctor has assured me that it is not my fault that I struggle with depression. The pursuit to become healthier is, however, a choice I make daily. My plan is to be happier. I have made the decision to seek help. I have made the decision to talk about my grief and depression even though I know I will have to carry the stigma that goes with it. I believe most people will say my grief and depression are justified. I hear people claim they couldn’t survive if they lost their child. I said it… I didn’t want to survive that loss, but somehow, some way, I have.
I will try almost anything to feel better (aside from illegal or addictive drugs anyway). I make sure I get adequate sleep, but won’t allow myself to stay hidden in bed all day unless I’m sick. I started a new antidepressant after my dad died. I needed a little bit more to get me out of that slump. That was hard to admit. I had felt my emotions getting dark and I was feeling lost. I struggled going to the doctor and telling her that I was not doing well. But, I needed to, and it helped! I noticed a difference right away.
I remember my sister Lindee telling me once that her addiction couldn’t be fixed with love because she felt such intense love for her family and from her family. If that was the case she said she would never need a drink again. Well, I think it is the same for depression, it can’t be fixed with love, but I sure do know that it helps in the healing process. I have so many people that I love and that love me, it makes a worthy cause to keep overcoming life’s trials.
“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” – Carl Jung
Maybe my purpose in life isn’t one thing, but many things. Having my children, overcoming trials, sharing my stories, helping others on their journey, and loving and caring for other people’s children. Whatever God’s plan may be, I am happy to be where I am today. I am proud of all my children and grandchildren and thankful for these blessings. I look forward to my future, but will never let go of the past, even if it hurts. The past also brings such beautiful memories.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
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