Actions do speak louder than words, but actions do not define who a person is, their life, nor their being. Why is it easier to say my loved one died of natural causes, or cancer, or even heart disease than it is to say they died from drug addiction, or suicide? Saying my sister died of esophageal cancer is so much easier than saying she suffered from alcoholism and as a result, her throat was ultimately destroyed. Did we do too much and enable her addiction? Did we do too little and should have fought harder?

“Almost 21 million Americans have at least 1 addiction, yet only 10% of them receive treatment. About 20% of Americans who have depression or an anxiety disorder also have a substance use disorder.” – addiction center.com

Shame, guilt, and stigma are felt by the family of those that die with mental illnesses. The guilt I feel for not knowing that Neal was in his final hours is devastating. I began to question every aspect of our marriage. How could I have loved him so much and not have seen this coming? I knew he struggled with the loss of Ryan and funding for the Justice Office. I knew he was depressed and not sleeping, but I didn’t know he was suicidal. If I would have known Neal was about to take his own life, I would have done EVERYTHING possible to have prevented it. 

He was in a position to help others with addiction and mental illness. I believe he was afraid to voice how much he was hurting for fear of stigmatization. How could he help others, if he couldn’t help himself? Would he lose respect from the judges, his employees, his clients? Opening up about an illness is scary and carries judgment with it.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” – Wayne Dyer

My dear friend lost her 33 year old son to a drug overdose on the 27th of May this year.  He wanted desperately to be in recovery. He was actively seeking help and on a waiting list for a treatment center. My friend has been an active member of Al-anon to educate herself as much as possible and to help her son fight addiction. She did not enable her son. She did everything right, but she lost him, regardless. I don’t think she could have done anything different.  I think our society as a whole could have done more to help him. I believe that we need to stop the stigma that comes with addicts and become educated on the disease. The person is not the disease, they have a disease, and it is treatable. 

I don’t want anyone to suffer the losses I have.  I am not sure I can make a difference in anyone’s life, but I feel I need to try.  I believe that every person has an end date. Only God knows that date. I also know that God sends angels on earth to help guide people on their path.  I may not be able to save everyone, but maybe one. Maybe my purpose in life is just to save one person, that would be enough, right?

So let’s be real about mental illness, which includes substance abuse disorder. Let’s be honest and open talking about it. It doesn’t need to be kept a secret. Shame and doubt should not have power over any person.  We need to give hope and courage to fight the illness. I truly believe that every single person that knew Neal would have supported him through his depression had they known about it. The stigma associated with mental health illnesses affects the care people seek and the care they receive. Just like other discriminations, the only way to make a change is to make it heard.     

The National Council for Mental Wellbeing has a skills-based training course that teaches participants about mental health and substance-use issues, called Mental Health First Aid. They teach the following: 

If you notice a friend or loved one experiencing a substance use challenge, you may want to help, but might not know what to say or what to do. One of the first and most important steps you can take is to start the conversation and create a safe space where your loved one feels comfortable talking about their experience.

To express support, you must be an effective and compassionate communicator. When you know what to say and what to do, you can be the difference in the life of a loved one who may be experiencing an addiction challenge, and ultimately help them move toward recovery by pointing them to appropriate professional, peer or self-help strategies.

To make these conversations as effective and compassionate as possible, keep these 10 tips for talking about addiction in mind:

1. Talk with them in a quiet place when both of you are sober and calm.
2. Let the person know you are concerned and willing to help.
3. Consider the person’s readiness to talk about their substance use.
4. Identify and discuss their behavior rather than criticize their character.
5. Express your point of view by using “I” statements like, “I have noticed…” or, “I am concerned…”
6. Listen without judging the person as immoral or “bad.”
7. Treat the person with dignity and respect.
8. Do not force the person to admit they have a problem.
9. Do not label or accuse the person of being an “addict.”
10. Have realistic expectations of the person. Their behavior will not change right away.

Talking about addiction can be difficult, and your words of support may not be well received initially. But don’t get discouraged. Recovery from addiction is possible and your willingness to start a conversation may ultimately help someone get on the path to recovery.

If you’re not sure how to recognize if someone is experiencing an addiction challenge, take a Mental Health First Aid course today. You’ll learn the signs and risk factors of addiction, available resources and how to connect those in need to the most appropriate care.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists 5 action steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts.
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline number (call or text 988) and the Crisis Text Line number (741741) in your phone so they’re there if you need them. You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

For more information on suicide prevention: www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention.  www.bethe1to.com

My fear is that my help won’t work. I’ll get too close and then lose them anyway. Helping someone feels scary. It feels like it would be easier to just disconnect, especially if it’s not an immediate family member.  I imagine how hard it is for them wanting to disconnect from everything and everyone, yet wanting to fight this disease. Looking at the risk, I would rather fight for them with all I got and know that I did everything I could for the chance that they might survive. Everyone I have lost was worth that risk. Everyone I care about today is worth that risk! ❤️
written in 2023

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