My Husband’s Suicide

Neal was the funniest person I knew. That is how he captured my heart. He made me laugh everyday, usually at myself!

He was so brilliant. You never wanted to play trivia pursuit with him… somehow he always knew the answers! Actually, you could not play any game with him without him coming out the “big winner” if he wasn’t winning he would cheat or somehow trick you into missing a move so he would win!

He was also very thoughtful with his words. He would process thoughts and emotions before responding or reacting to anything. He didn’t say anything that he would regret later. That made him so good at his job.

He was administrator of a justice office and oversaw youth and adults on probation and in drug court. He was great at it. The programs he ran were dependent on funding from the state and local government. Every year he would have to fight for his budget, and every year it was a very stressful time for him. He had employees that had worked with him for decades. He believed in them and believed in his programs! Funding was being cut in 2016, and he was super stressed that his office might have to close. This was at the time when so many coal companies were shutting down and laying people off. He saw what it was doing to their families and feared his employees would face the same hardships.

Our lives were full of grief as it had been less than three years since our oldest son died in a horrible gun accident. Neal never went to counseling. I think in his professional position he felt like he should be able to do it on his own. We had two other children, and we all struggled. We talked and processed our grief together. We checked in with each other, making sure none of us were ready to give up on life. He had always voiced a very clear opinion that suicide was not the answer for anyone.

I knew he grieved, I didn’t know he was so very depressed. Nobody did. He hadn’t been sleeping much at all with his stress, so he finally went in and saw his doctor. The doctor prescribed him Trazadone to help him sleep. After the second dose, he was not acting himself, and he was not able to sleep at all. I was worried and told him to call the doctor back and tell him that it wasn’t working. He did, but the nurse said he would need to give it time. Trazadone, I later learned, has horrible suicidal side effects that she should have followed up with.

The next day, Thursday, he looked soo bad. He was pale and sickly looking. I told him I was worried about him. I feared he was going to have a heart attack. I told him that he should go to the doctor again. He assured me he would if he didn’t feel better, but said he was going to see how he felt in a little bit. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and asked him please to text me and let me know how he was doing. He said he would.

At 11:30am I heard my phone beep, but it was a message from my son Nate saying he hoped I was having a great day and he loved me, he did that often. I started to worry about Neal as I realized he hadn’t messaged me. I tried to call him, he didn’t answer. I tried calling his work, he wasn’t there. I messaged him, nothing. I went to our house to see if he was there and drove by the doctor offices and hospital, I couldn’t find him. I went back to work hoping he would call me and I could stop worrying but as time passed I became more concerned and upset. I left work after 4pm and checked with his work and brother to see if they had heard from him. As I pulled into the driveway, I became so distraught, I drove to my friends house a block away. She was a deputy sheriff. She was at work, but I spoke to her and she said she would have an officer come visit me. I called my mom to come over, and I had our close friend/neighbor come over as the officer got there to hear my concern. They had officers from both the police department and sheriff department looking for him in places we thought he might go. We lived at the base of a mountain, so there was always the chance he was out of the service area or had his phone turned off. They put a ping out for his phone and found his location. As the search was happening, three teenage kids had gone out to a shooting range and found Neal in his truck, deceased. The sheriff’s department responded. It was after 8pm when two officers came to give us the news. He had died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to his head.

Our whole world turned upside down again! We went from the happiest family of five to a broken family of three. My son Nate had graduated high school the year Ryan died and had moved out. My daughter Haley was graduating the next month and was planning on going to Chadron State College in the fall. She had always been daddy’s little girl.

Everything changed that day!