It feels like an apocalypse is coming sometimes. I spend so much of my life waiting for worst case scenarios. I learned a long time ago to never think that things can’t get worse… life can always get worse!
I’ve been feeling pretty good. Writing my blogs has helped a ton. I talked to my doctor about maybe looking at taking a lower dose of the antidepressant in six months or so. Now, I’m not so sure. Just as soon as I feel I’m ready to live with a little less worry, I am smacked down again with grief.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming . All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison
This Memorial Day Weekend sent me a tidal wave! I was hurting and sad as I hit the ten year mark of our last weekend with Ryan. His birthday was on Memorial Day again this year.
We went camping at the lake and invited family and friends to join us. We had the big camper, the boat, the 4-wheelers, games, and food. We did have fun, but for me, I want more than just a good weekend. I want to make really exceptional memories, ones I won’t forget. I have really bad long term memory loss, so if it’s not significant, I probably won’t remember it for long.
My father is a retired Factory Sales Representative for Polaris Industries. I grew up on dirt bikes, 3 wheelers, and snowmobiles. Dad was also the biggest gun owner I’ve ever known. Target shooting and hunting was a normal part of our lives. My brother said the other day that he believes our parents were less worried about us when we were riding our dirt bikes or out target shooting than anything else.
Neal and I raised our kids to be outside. If it was above 0 and below 105, you can bet our kids were outside. In the early days we would ski, sled, and snowmobile in the winter. In the summer we spent almost every weekend from Memorial Day to Labor Day camping on the mountain. We had 4-wheelers and dirt bikes for our kids to ride. We loved to hike and just explore nature.
The best part of our weekend adventures was that they almost always included friends and family. We had a group of about six or seven families that would plan to camp in the same area. A few of us were there almost every weekend, the rest were occasional campers. Our kids all grew up together actively making unforgettable memories! We would go on crazy long trail rides through the Bighorn Mountains, stopping for lunch, and swimming in the rivers and lakes. Our kids were told to explore, we never let them sit around and say they were bored. They were told to get away and stay in a group. “Go build a fort,” Neal would tell them. There were a few crashes, broken bones, and such, but overall we had amazingly adventurous memories.
“We didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.” – Winnie the Pooh
When my kids were younger, I always wished we could go on more big vacations to theme parks and such. Now looking back, I know that the times we were not rushed and exhausted, when we were just enjoying life as a family, are the best memories of all. The most memorable moments in life are the unplanned, unexpected times.
Losing Ryan made me really appreciate that you only have so many opportunities to make really great memories, and you never know when it’ll be your last opportunity. I don’t take that for granted, I want to make every moment count.
Todd and I want to give our kids and grandkids that same opportunity. We spend our summer weekends out at the lake with our camper, boat, and 4-wheelers. It is a lot of work getting it all together every week, then packing up everything after the weekend to get washed and ready for the next time, but it is way worth it!
Our first weekend camping this summer, we were out on a 4-wheeler ride and I decided to hit every mud puddle and muddy ditch I could with my granddaughter on the back. We had mud clods flying on us and in every direction possible. We laughed so hard we were almost crying. That was more than a 4-wheeler ride with grandma, that was a lifelong memory that I’m sure we will both remember!
Everyone loves to get pulled behind the boat and some even want to get thrown off! There is always a crew of kids waiting for their turn and begging us to take them again!
I look for every bargain I can find on summer floats and toys so the kids can all come out to the lake to swim and play with us. Not all of the kids do, but I hope as the grandkids get older, they will want to spend a weekend or two with us camping and having fun! Spending the weekend out camping with friends and family is definitely a way I am able to count my blessings.
This past weekend, I was feeling down and struggling to find positives. Sunday morning I was super sad. It had rained 3 nights in a row and on that morning our whole campsite was flooded! All I could focus on was how sad I felt and how bummed out I was that everything was a soupy mess. Todd took me out fishing and I decided that maybe if I caught a 31” walleye, that would be a great memory. Needless to say I caught a 17” walleye, but that is in the “throw it back” slot! It has to be over 18” to keep. I went back to camp and debated on going home a day early.
Later that evening, sitting around the camp before dinner, I got a call from my closest friend from my college days. Tracey and I were both young single moms. We had some of the same college courses, picked our babies up at the same time from child care, and lived in the same apartment complex. We spent many, many hours studying and becoming very close friends. Our boys were very close as well!
Her conversation started with “We are on our way back to Billings.” I had a little spurt of excitement thinking she was passing through our town and wanted to visit. Her next statement was “We got some bad news today. Jordan passed away last night.” Of course I said “What?” And she had to repeat it again! Something a mom should never, ever have to say even once! He was 33 years old, as long as we have been friends!
I began to weep, weeping the way I have only wept for Ryan. I kept telling her I was sorry, I was so very sorry! I was immediately aware of the dreaded journey my dear friend is embarking on. I would do anything to take away the heartache and pain she will have to live with. Trying to find footing in a completely different life she once knew, now known as the “BEFORE!” She will have to remind herself how to breathe now in this “AFTER.” She will put on her “I’m okay” face even though inside, she feels like she is dying.
Tracey has always been so much stronger than me. She worked so hard to be successful, but her kids always came first. She is such a great mom. She doesn’t deserve this!
I am screaming inside! Why? Why? Why? I will go and be with my friend, and I will try to comfort her and support her. I wish I could tell her that everything was going to be okay. I wish I could tell her that it will get easier. But those are only bad lies! I will tell her that she needs to be real, and allow herself to grieve. She has earned every right to be mad or sad and feel whatever she needs to feel.
I am begging God, I don’t want anymore deaths. I don’t want to go to any more funerals. I don’t want to lose more loved ones. I don’t want to feel more and more grief. It hurts, and it is exhausting!
Who is next? I can’t help wondering, who will be the next person I will be grieving for? Why does it have to hurt so bad?
One after another we say goodbye to people we care for and love, until ultimately we are set free from this tumultuous life ourselves.
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard….” – Winnie the Pooh
As I try to support my friend and her family, I truly do realize what a blessing it was to have known Jordan his entire life. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss that for anything. I know our boys are together and happy in the most unimaginable paradise. Still, selfishly, I want them back. I will always want them back!
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