My son died July 7th, 2013, he was 24. Grief is scary for me and I always have felt judged while grieving, like I have a mental illness that is somehow contagious. It has taken me awhile to learn that grief is not synonymous with depression. Losing a loved one does not cause illness, it causes grief. Grief is an emotion, one that is justified and should be embraced by the people that surround you. I will always love my child until the day I die, therefore I will always grieve for him. I will always experience deep sadness at times and I will also experience great happiness at times. I am not going to be stuck in one of these emotional states forever. They will come and go for the rest of my life. This does not mean I am mentally unstable, it means I am human; a mother who loves deeply, a mother who grieves for her son, a mother who never wants to forget him!

I was depressed throughout adolescence. After high school I moved in with four other girls. We spent a lot of time partying. I wasn’t too concerned about consequences as I didn’t care much about anything. I was told I would never have children because of all the treatments I had for my childhood leukemia. In August 1988, my whole world took a turn as I found out I was pregnant. I was so very excited!

I started college classes, moved into my own apartment and changed everything about my way of living, preparing for God to send me my sunshine!

He was two weeks past due when I had him. I was miserable the whole pregnancy, but none of it mattered once I had him! He was perfect! I used to cry feeling so unworthy of being his mother. As he grew, my love for him grew. I have always said that with every stage in my children’s life I think, “Oh, this is the best stage!”

Ryan had an amazing way of living! He was so loving! He always hugged his family and friends and told them he loved them! He kept in touch with everyone and seemed to have deep relationships even with people he barely knew. He was such a giver, if he thought you needed something he would get it for you. He even gave a neighbor the battery out of his Bronco once because the guy had a sports car in his garage, was showing Ryan, but couldn’t start it because the battery had died! If he went to dinner with anyone, he would insist they go to the nicest restaurant, get the best meal, and he would always pay for it!

When Ryan decided he wanted to try something new out, he didn’t just test it out, he went all the way in, whether it was hockey, rock climbing, hunting, target shooting, paintballing, whatever! He would learn everything he could about it and do it like a pro! Even taking a trip, he told his dad and I that he was going to go to Norway to stay with some friends he had met that were from Norway. They were attending the South Dakota School of Mines and invited him to come visit when they got back. We did not think he would be able to, he didn’t even have a passport at that point, but he got it and did it! He stayed a month!

Ryan experienced so much in his 24 years! He had a way of always being able to do what he wanted. Sometimes the stories he would tell were very hard to believe. It just seemed a little far fetched at times, but then he would verify it. We were always amazed! The pieces of his life puzzle always seemed to fall right into place. I know that he lived a full life and he had no regrets. I’m thankful God gave him that!

He was such a great kid, a great son, a great big brother, and a great soul! I miss him so much! I often talk to him and feel pretty confident I know how he would respond to me. I ask him how he is doing and I hope he is happy. He tells me “Mom, don’t worry about me! I’m good and I like it here!”

Jo >;<