“A range of studies reveal the powerful effects grief can have on the body. Grief increases inflammation, which can worsen health problems you already have and cause new ones. It batters the immune system, leaving you depleted and vulnerable to infection. The heartbreak of grief can increase blood pressure and the risk of blood clots. Intense grief can alter the heart muscle so much that it causes “broken heart syndrome,” a form of heart disease with the same symptoms as a heart attack.  Research shows that emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.” – WebMD

I have suffered a lot of pain in my life. I spent many years hurting physically with Leukemia. Diagnosed at age 3, I didn’t go into remission until age 12. The cancer made my bones and joints hurt and caused swelling. It made me tired and weak. It also caused a loss of appetite, weight loss, and fevers. Not to mention the side effects from all the treatments I was given.  This is a picture of me being held by my dad when I was very ill.

In 1983, just a year after being in full remission, I wrecked on a dirt bike while riding (racing) alongside one of my closest friends on a dirt road out in the country. I broke three vertebrae in my lower back and my arm. I had to be homeschooled for the first semester of my eighth grade year. I vaguely remember any of that semester.

I have struggled with osteoarthritis since my mid-twenties. The doctors believe it is a result of having Leukemia, weakening my bones and joints. The pain it caused in my feet was extreme. One doctor was amazed that I was able to walk at all and said I would most definitely be wheelchair bound before I was 40. I had my first surgery on one foot at about age 34. At that time I only had a few joints fused together and ended up having an allergic reaction to the hardware they used and had to have it removed. I never healed correctly after that surgery. 

Having arthritis made it very difficult to be active or exercise. I struggled with weight gain which in turn caused my arthritic pain to increase.

Losing Ryan at age 43 was debilitating, mentally and physically. Grief really does hurt!  My health was definitely depleted with my extreme grief. I was unable to walk 50 yards without really hurting. My ankles would swell as I was literally rubbing bone on bone. It would take time for me to get moving every morning as I tried to stand up. There were times I had to crawl as the pain was too intense. 

I was really focused on navigating my grief, trying anything and everything to help me feel better emotionally. Eventually I decided that I needed to get help to feel better physically too. I went back to my foot surgeon and decided if I was going to “keep on keeping on” I would have to take a year, have one foot done, wait until it was strong enough to support myself, and then have the other foot done. I was so nervous and knew it was going to be hard, but I figured I didn’t have a lot more to lose. 

In 1993, I caught an ear infection that damaged my vestibular nerves in my ears, causing loss of balance by blocking signals to the areas of my brain that control balance. Eventually I was also diagnosed with Ménière’s Disease. This condition affects the inner ear causing severe dizziness, hearing loss and tinnitus. The cause of this condition is most likely from that initial infection.

Relying on sight and touch for balance made my recovery process from my foot surgeries even more challenging. Using crutches or hopping around on one foot was never an option. I was able to use a knee scooter eventually, but initially I had to depend on a wheelchair and even a walker. I was very vulnerable and still consumed with grief every waking moment. 

“The quality of life is more important than life itself.” – Alexis Carrel

The surgery was a success! It was a long recovery, but after a lot of physical therapy, I was able to walk without pain. 

After Neal died, I got super focused on exercising. I needed some kind of release from all the tasks I was learning to do on my own, and while working out,  I would pray and process my thoughts. After a couple months of being on the elliptical runner and doing circuit weights, I felt an urge to try jogging. For me, this was a crazy thought, I never, ever liked to jog or run. But I started doing it and felt so empowered and blessed to have my feet healed and pain free. I fell in love with it. I am not even exaggerating when I say that elderly couples would pass me while they were speed walking and I was “jogging” but I still was praising God the whole time I was on the track. I began to run 5K’s and even looked forward to getting up early just to go for a jog. Here’s a picture of me and my oldest brother after running our first 5K!

I was feeling pretty good about my self image for the first time, but still very sad and lonely. This was when I started to wonder if I would always be alone. I ventured out and tried new things. I got on a bowling league, volunteered at a theater, and scanned dating sites just to see what, if any, men were out there.

Unexpectedly, I met Todd and fell in love. He makes me feel so loved all of the time. But you know what they say love does… makes you fat and happy. I moved to Spearfish and worked in Rapid City. It was a 45 minute commute each morning. The gym didn’t open until 6am, and I would have to leave before 6:15 to get to work on time. I tried exercising after work, but I just never stayed motivated enough to go anywhere else after getting home. I was excited to be home and spend time with Todd. It didn’t take long for me to regain the weight I had lost, plus some. I compare my body to a sponge. It takes so long to dry a sponge out and get it to shrink up some, but it only takes a tiny drip of water for it to fully expand again. We tried to eat healthy and even did the Keto diet for a while, but there were no significant results. I decided in 2020 to see a doctor about a weight loss program. I hated doing this. Being overweight is such a shameful thing. I felt like I should be able to control it and lose the weight on my own. Asking for help made me feel like a failure. 

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again. This time, more intelligently.” – Henry Ford.

What I learned from my doctor and his team, however, was amazing! They worked with me and helped me realize that there was so much more than diet and exercise involved in my weight. Obesity is a disease. Our  weight has genetic, behavioral, and environmental components. Our bodies have a set point for weight. That means that if we lose weight, not only does it signal that we are hungrier, it also starts to slow our metabolism down to resist weight loss. A six year study with contestants from the show Biggest Loser was done. All but two of the contestants had regained a lot or all  of their weight, even though they had maintained the exercise and diet guidelines for their weight loss. Their bodies adjusted accordingly to get to that set weight point. One of the two that had maintained their weight after the show was working out 10 hours a day, the other one had weight loss surgery. This is what I chose to do. I had gastric bypass surgery in July of 2021.

I saw a nutritionist to teach me about smart diet choices, I saw a dietician who worked with me on exercise and weight management, and I went to groups with others who were on a similar journey with bariatric surgery. I have maintained my weight loss and am very happy with the decision I made to have it. We turned an extra bedroom into a workout room with a treadmill, elliptical runner, weights and exercise bands. No excuses now! It has not been an easy road for sure, but I have no regrets. I still feel ashamed for how large I was, but I am so thankful I get a “restart” and a new set weight point. I feel better physically in my 50’s than I have since my 20’s, and I really believe I deserve it after all the pain I have endured. 

“We all deserve happiness. Sometimes it just takes a painful journey to help you find it, so that you can then truly cherish and appreciate it.” – Author Unknown 

I am so thankful for my doctor and his team for being so supportive and understanding! I added two video links with my doctor on bariatric weight loss in case anyone is interested in what it is and why it works. ❤️ 

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