Society puts a timeline on grief. Most organizations that give bereavement leave to employees offer 3 to 5 days per year. That usually doesn’t include pay. Of course, most employers will allow more time, but that means when you come back, you had better be “over” the grief. You can’t be stuck in grief. You are told to “move on.” It is not acceptable to grieve publicly. Talking about your grief outside of your immediate circle of support is frowned upon.

Grief is exhausting! I believe this is one of the main reasons we all try to push it down and not face it! It takes so much out of you, physically and mentally. If you have faced a major loss of a loved one, you know what I am talking about. You need a lot of rest. You just want to go to sleep, but that is not always possible. Often you are too tired to eat. You go into a mentally numb state and need to really focus on doing the day to day tasks, such as eating, having the energy to shower or even the motivation to get dressed for the day. My closest friends would ask me after Ryan died, “Did you brush your teeth and put deodorant on?” I would tell them yes, and they would say, “Then that’s all that matters right now!” After a couple weeks of friends checking in every day throughout the day, you start to feel like a burden. They have their families and jobs that they need to attend to. It feels wrong having them devote so much time to you.

Grief feels like you’ve been wrapped in a very dark cloud with a great amount of heaviness. Even though others are encouraging you to step out of this cloud, you can’t. Everything is blurred by this cloud. This starts the whole process of faking your emotions. You have to do your day to day tasks, so you eat some, try to sleep, and put on your “happy” face as much as possible.

Most people will go back to work and focus on their job and avoid talking to coworkers or clients about their loss. These associates are afraid to talk with them because they are afraid it will cause an emotional breakdown, which does happen. The very mental shield a grieving person has to put up while in public, is suddenly released with a simple question relating to their loss. When this happens, people interpret that as causing them more pain. In reality, it did the opposite, the tears just become visible. It didn’t bring on new emotions or thoughts, they are always there even when totally on task otherwise. If they didn’t have to try to hold it all in, there wouldn’t be such a release when they can finally talk about it.

I am the type of person who will generally say what I’m thinking and assume others understand what my thought process is. When Ryan died, I had a home child care center. I felt like I needed to get out and be around more adults after awhile and got a job as the Infant Director at a large center. I loved my job! I was very good at my job, and I loved being around so many babies everyday. After Neal died, I felt like I had a great relationship with the employees there and thought of them as colleagues and friends. I was eventually educated at how taboo grief in the workplace is, after sharing with them. I was accused of being mentally unstable and told by my boss not to discuss my husband or son anymore at work. I felt so betrayed! I never neglected my responsibilities, ever. I spoke about loving memories I had of my son and husband while rocking and feeding babies. I wasn’t having emotional meltdowns unable to function. But of course, there were tears that would fall. I felt I was in a safe place with people who cared and understood. The fact was, that I had made others uncomfortable, nobody wants to imagine such a loss, let alone see anyone go through it personally.

All of the restraints caused me to put on a fake face. I felt I had to pretend that I had stopped grieving, but, as long as I remember my loved ones, I will grieve! I stopped trusting others with my grief. I always tried to have a happy face. I was very thoughtful about what I said, where I said it, and how I said it. I would try to post nice, happy posts that showed I was healing and moving on. Whatever those words mean!!!

I am not saying that I should have been allowed to scream, bawl, and show my anger at how life is so unfair, at any time publicly, but I am saying that allowing myself to share the memories and feel them should not be interpreted as being stuck in loss. Grief is not a mental illness, and it is not always tears and sadness either. Grief is okay, a normal human response.

My oldest sister died 13 years ago from cancer. My son died nearly 10 years ago, and it has been 7 years since my husband died. All this time I have felt ashamed or judged when I feel so very sad. I thought I should be able to control those emotions at some point. I felt like I was, in fact, mentally ill. I kept looking for the key to “getting  through” this.  I have always known I would never get “over” it.  I always wonder what people mean when they say to “let the past go”, or “move on”, or to “find peace”. I’m not saying those things aren’t possible, but they probably haven’t experienced the same loss when asking for those things. I believe those things also look very different to everyone.

I want to grieve openly. I want to live without hiding my secret truth; that I’d rather not have to live than to live with this pain. That doesn’t make me suicidal, I am not, it’s just the truth! I am very thankful for the many, many blessings I have in my life right now! I still have the right to remember my loved ones, they were my blessings too! I have a right to feel pain because they are gone. I have the right to grieve publicly. If it isn’t interfering with my responsibilities and it isn’t hurting anyone, why is it so wrong? I want to share my stories, especially about Ryan. You can meet my other kids, but the only way I keep Ryan “alive” is by keeping the memories of him present. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, just tell me. I probably won’t want to be around you much after that, but at least we’ve shared the truth. I know how you feel, you know how I feel.

Jo >;< 

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