As time passed, it became harder and harder to seek outside help. I knew the grief wasn’t going to go away, but I thought it would become easier. 

“No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.” -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

Talking about my loss made me worry that people were judging me, wondering why I haven’t “gotten over it” yet. I felt mentally ill. I feared being vulnerable after years of posting my supposed “stability” on social media. My deepest fear was facing all of my grief openly and honestly. “What if it shuts me down? What if I am unable to get back up and survive?” These are the questions that have kept me from healing.

“And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.” – Sarah Waters, The Little Stranger.

This quote may be from a science fiction book, but it sure does feel like my heart has been filled with enough salt.

I am starting to  learn to change my mindset, and see grief differently. My life has been hard, grief is hard, but sharing my story… this, I am learning, is healing!

When my son, Ryan died, I wanted to accept anything that might help ease my pain! I was in a numb state and was completely vulnerable anyway.

Because I had suffered depression at times throughout my life, I knew that I would need to consider taking an antidepressant. I made an appointment with my primary physician and started Viibryd. I really can’t tell you how good it works because I don’t know how I would have been without it. All I can say is that there aren’t any side effects that I’m aware of. I still take it daily.

I started going to a therapist and got my two kids in to see other therapists in the same office. I thought it might be better if we could individually express our emotions without feeling like we had to be congruent with each other. I am thankful I did that. The therapists we had were very helpful! 

Over the years I’ve seen several therapists. Talking to them doesn’t carry the same fear for me as talking to just anyone. That’s what they are there for. Some of the therapists I’ve seen were not so good, and some have been really good. I found out how important it is to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. It took awhile to figure out that just because I started with one, I did not have to continue with that one. It was so very difficult to start my story all over again with someone new. If you have read all my blogs, you can understand why! How can I get to the nitty gritty when there is way too much background to cover first? I decided to write a summary of my life’s backstory to email the last couple therapists I have seen before I started with them. I, honestly, was tired of seeing the shock on their faces when I would address yet another traumatic life event. For me, it is much easier to just lay it all out there and start working on what I needed to at that moment.

As the ten year memorial of my son nears, I had been feeling defeated. Why do I still need to go to therapy? I felt like I should have figured this grieving thing out by now. I was very relieved when my brother sent me the podcast The One You Feed – How to Navigate the Path of Grief with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore. It has changed my perspective completely.

The therapist I see now is very helpful. In addition to our regular sessions, I do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with her. Even though I was very skeptical at first, I gave it a shot and am blown away at how it is able to change my mindset in my most extreme traumatic memories. EMDR “is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.” – emdr.com  It has had amazing results for me!

Even though my family all lost the same person, we all grieve differently. When Ryan died, we would talk and share what we needed, what bothered us, and what was helping us in our journey. Things that helped one of us, sometimes caused more pain for another. One example, I put tons of pictures of Ryan up, all over the house. All I could think about was him, and I wanted to see his face all the time. This, however, was a constant reminder to Nate (my middle child) that Ryan was gone. I didn’t know that it was hurting him until he voiced it. We are still learning to express our feelings and frustrations with each other. 

Grief is tricky, it can hit you suddenly with songs, certain items, experiences, and even words. Some words are triggers for grievers. The word “committed” suicide is a big one. It has such a negative, crime-like connotation to it. Most survivors of suicide prefer to say “died by suicide.” I usually say I “lost” my son. A friend of mine whose son has died, really doesn’t like the word “lost”. She says, “I didn’t lose him, he died.” Some will use the term “angelversary” for a memorial date. I’m not sure why, but I don’t like that term.  I try to acknowledge what feels good to my healing, and remember it may not to everyone, but that is okay. Each person needs to grieve the way they need to.

 “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” – Helen Keller.

My daughter would always talk about “the look”. We knew people felt bad for us. We knew people had good intentions, they wanted to help us. When they saw us, however, they would give a half sad smile and ask how we were doing. That’s “the look.” She hated it. That look felt like it was our new identity. I understood how she felt. We were faced with “the look” for years. Anybody who hadn’t seen us for any period of time always started with that look. It, of course, was exasperated after Neal died. I’m not sure what would be an acceptable response… smile and pretend nothing is wrong or cry and say how dreadful life is. I suppose a half smile is probably safest! It just felt pitiful.

The most helpful choice I made on my journey was going to grief group. I went with my mom. She was very, very close to Ryan and she had never sought help after my sister died, three years earlier. In between  my sister’s death and my son’s, she lost her best friend to suicide and her brother passed away also. She needed therapy and I got us signed up.

We learned so much about ourselves in that group. We met the most wonderful people who understood the pain. I always wanted to meet for longer periods of time and more frequently. It was so healing. 

I tried another group later on, hoping to make new connections in my new town. Covid hit after only a couple sessions and we weren’t able to bond the same on a computer screen. Connecting with people when we weren’t physically together made it hard to trust them with my emotions.

I have learned to pamper myself. I started to get massages after Ryan died, and to my surprise, I discovered that my super, wonderful massage therapist was also a medium! She was able to receive messages from my loved ones on the other side and asked if she could share them with me. She wasn’t a person asking for more money and didn’t advertise for this service. She just has this beautiful gift and wanted to share! She shared great, positive messages that I really needed to hear! She had information nobody could have known. I have gone to other mediums after seeing her. Some were better than others at receiving and communicating messages, but all of them were wanting to help me in my journey. I even got a reading by Theresa Caputo at one of her shows! That was exciting.

My daughter and I started using essential oils after Neal died. We were given boxes of Dotera Essential Oils. We used them all day and all night trying to soothe our mind and soul.

My sister, Renee, is a licensed social worker and therapist that focuses on equine assisted psychotherapy. I have seen this therapy in action. Clients do not need to get on the horse or know anything about them for this therapy. Horses are intuitive, they can mirror how you are feeling. They can sense if you are being trustworthy and sense your fear, excitement, or other emotions. As you navigate through the exercises with the horse, a bond and trust is built, allowing you to navigate your mental health therapy.

There are so many other types of therapy, I have only touched on the ones that have personally impacted my journey. The most important thing I have learned this far, however, is to talk about my emotions and feelings. 

“I remember the people who I love who have died even though it brings my heart deep sadness. Not remembering them feels like I’m living a lie and like they are dying twice.” – Joanne Cacciatore. 

It is okay to be vulnerable! I remind myself that grief is not a mental illness, it is a normal human reaction. I have the ability to help others understand grief by telling my story. Talking about my loved ones and the pain I feel with their absence is a way for me to face the trauma and not allow it to control me.

Jo >;<

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