I was completely overcome with thoughts of Ryan from the moment I found out about his accident. At first all I could do was try to get to him. My friends came over and were trying desperately to get me a plane to Texas. We have a tiny airport in our town that has commercial flights to Denver, but they were only scheduled on certain days and times. I didn’t have time to wait and I didn’t have time to drive the six plus hours to Denver for a flight. As the frantic panic set in, I slowly learned that he was not going to survive. I had lost my son!

The next two years and nine months I did not experience anything, and I truly mean anything, without somehow connecting Ryan to it, wishing he was there, or wondering if he could possibly be there in spirit. Every thought process somehow included Ryan in it. I felt very unhealthy, like I had an obsession. I wondered if it would always be that way.

I talked about it with my therapist who I saw at the time, he questioned the validity of whether I really did think about him “all the time.” But I did! I don’t think he believed me. 

I felt guilty for not thinking about my other children as much as I thought about him. It wasn’t that I loved him any more, I just knew I still had my other kids. I knew I would never have Ryan again, not on Earth anyway.

With all the thoughts of Ryan I would talk about him all the time. I still talk about Ryan so much. I want people to know him. I am so proud of all my kids, I want to brag about all of them all the time. I feel like people have the opportunity to meet and get to know Nate and Haley, but if I don’t share Ryan’s life with them, they will never know him. I also want people to understand that I had three children. The most important job I ever had was being their mom. Even though it is not logical, losing one of them, crushed my own personal validity of being a mother.

I have learned that I was experiencing persistent complex bereavement disorder, also known as prolonged grief disorder, or complicated grief. Some people with this disorder are unable to resume daily life. I was, but it was troublesome having these thoughts consuming my every waking moment.

“An individual with prolonged grief disorder may experience intense longing for the person who has died or preoccupation with thoughts of that person.” – American Psychiatric Association

It really was a struggle internally for me. He was so important, and I did not want to let any part of him go, but I didn’t want to feel so bound to this crazy thought process. How could I have a normal life again with such intense pain always with me.

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. has been recognized as one of the leading death educators and grief counselors. He wrote a book called “When Grief is Complicated.” He does not diagnose it as a disorder. He said, “Complicated grief is not an illness or disorder. It’s simply normal grief that’s been made more challenging by circumstances that overwhelm the person in mourning.”

People have always said “Ryan would want you to be happy!” I know that, but as a grieving parent, I will never know the same happiness I thought I knew, before he died. I was ignorant to the depth of grief a person could feel. I was ignorant of how mentally draining grief was. I was ignorant in believing someone could get over grief. I was able to experience happiness again, but everything was tied to the fact that Ryan was gone. My life could best be compared to a cocktail, grief with a twist of normalcy. Sometimes the normalcy was happiness, sometimes excitement, sometimes anger or other emotions, but always, my life has the overwhelming emotion of grief.

The grief has never gone away, but the persistent thoughts of him in every moment did stop, once when Neal died. I think the new trauma caused such an overload at first, my brain wanted to shut down.

I remembered everything in the days after Ryan died. It was not the same when Neal died. I was in shock. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to take care of everything including our kids or myself. I was able to take little baby steps every day and figure things out. I had to figure out the bills, property and health insurance, Neal’s life insurance, what to do with our vehicles, the funeral, and Haley had her high school graduation. I was selling the house, buying a new house, packing, and moving. I believe it was all of those tasks that I needed to concentrate on that actually helped me stop the obsessive thoughts. I am sure it was those tasks that kept me from crawling into bed and never getting back up. When I wasn’t trying to sort out all my new tasks, I did spend a lot of time in bed watching tv. Pretty much every time I had any down time I was in bed. I was sad and lonely, bed was a comfortable place to be with those feelings.

Having experienced such trauma in my life, especially the traumatic losses, has made me stronger in many ways, but in some ways it has brought negative aspects to my life. I don’t think I will ever allow myself to be so dependent on anyone, but that means I keep a wall up and try hard not to be vulnerable. I used to be able to laugh at myself when people would tease, now it hurts and I feel very self conscious. I try to make memorable moments in life, but when life is not going the way I’d like it to, it makes me angry and irritable. I don’t want any more negative memories, I want the happy stuff. I used to enjoy challenges and would embrace change, now I get anxiety when things get jumbled up. I really need time to process any change to feel okay. I’ve had times at work when my boss would come in and say that I needed to work in a different room that day, or combine with another class. I can usually do that if you give me at least a day to process it, but when it is all of a sudden, with no warning, I start to have anxiety, and want to leave. I feel the same anxiety at home, if something comes up suddenly or my husband wants to make a decision about something that I haven’t had time to process (such as a trip, Holiday, or purchase) I want to shut down.

This summer has been a tough one for me. When my best friend lost her son two days before Ryan’s birthday, it brought up so much more grief than I was prepared for. I had been trying to grasp the 10 year memorial of my son. Now I was grieving for my friend’s son, and for my friend’s loss. This memorial is a day I have dreaded since the beginning. I never imagined surviving 10 years of this pain. I really didn’t want to.

I try to remember that this grief comes in strong sometimes, as it is now, but it will ease again and I will find more peace in my heart. I will continue to honor him and make the best memories I possibly can. 

I like to spend his memorial on the mountain, and we did that again this year. We always had such a great time on the mountain with Ryan. I have so many happy memories of him up there. On the 7th, we rode our four wheelers and then hiked into Paradise Falls. It is so beautiful there. I wish we had a bit nicer weather, but it could have been worse. I looked for signs of Ryan, more than usual. Very large dragonflies flew by me while we were on our rides. At Paradise Falls, I found a clay pigeon in front of me, and one of my favorite memories was shooting clay pigeons with Ryan on the mountain. I wondered if Ryan was messing with me each night because the motion light in the camper kept coming on for no reason during the night and waking me up. It has never done that before. I long to feel like he is close to me… especially now! 

I’ll continue to pray to God, and ask Him to help Ryan find ways he can connect with me, and that I will recognize the signs.  I will pray that I can dream about him. And mostly, I pray he hears me when I tell him I love him and I can’t wait to be together again! 

Until then… >;<

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