“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous in the end.” – Robin Sharma

I have had my share of scary changes. I was required to learn how to manage new routines and demands while facing traumatic loss. It took awhile to feel comfortable in my environment again. With some changes, it took a very long while…

Losing my son Ryan, was, as I have mentioned, debilitating. The pain I feel stays with me everyday. But when he died, I still had my husband, other two children, my house, my friends, my extended family, even the same job. What I lost was part of myself. I had to learn how to be a mom without the child that made me a mom. I lost a lot of my faith in happiness. I had that big, heavy, dark cloud wrapped around me and needed to learn how to live within it. I had to travel down the unwanted road of grief to try and process this new truth. I also had to try to help navigate that road for my children to process their grief too.

When Neal took his life, he took away my partner, my security, my children’s father. I lost everything in some form, with the exception of my two living children.

I wasn’t able to stay in the house that once was home to our family of five. Now it was just Haley and I, Nate had moved into his own place. We moved out less than two months after Neal’s death. We found a house we loved, and tried to make it ours, while still holding on to everything we had from the home we had lived in for 13 years.

It was extremely difficult to keep connections with our friends from before. It became awkward and sad. Most of the time when we would gather, someone would end up crying.

I was distanced from my husband’s family. Even though I will always be part of their family, the most important part of our connection was gone. When we are together, we are consumed with the memories, which are wonderful, but the heartache that wishes we could have our loved ones back is prevalent as well. 

There were many more changes after Neal died. I had to get a new vehicle. I lost our health coverage. I had never paid any of the bills, but all of the sudden I was responsible for all of them… it was so overwhelming! 

Right after his death, people would ask what they could do for me. My brother would hold out my bills in a fan-like sequence and say, “pick one!” It took time, but I learned how to do things on my own. It came with a lot of anger. It was so unfair. 

I tried to do new things on my own. I volunteered at the theater in town. I figured I would meet new people and see plays and shows without feeling like I was attending alone. 

I joined a bowling league and even though I was terrible at it, I did have a nice handicap and I made a few new friends. 

As a year after Neal’s death was approaching, I started to wonder if I would be alone forever. Haley had graduated and I knew she wouldn’t be living with me the rest of her life, even though I did joke about it! I wondered how any man might find an interest in a nearly 50 year old, who had such a history. I had been with Neal for a 1/4 of a century, at least he had time to get used to all the aging.

I looked at dating sites, just to see the type of men out there, if there was any. I really wasn’t looking for someone to start a relationship with, I was just feeling hopelessly lonely. 

I went out a couple times with someone I knew from high school who had been divorced. It was nice to have a friend that knew me before I was married. It didn’t carry so much awkwardness with it. 

I ended up reaching out to a man who had lost his wife to suicide. I felt like there was a possibility for friendship, maybe finding compassion for each other’s situation. I really was not thinking anything more. We started with emails, then texts, and eventually phone calls. We played a game called 100 Questions with text messages. I would ask a question and he had to answer honestly, or if it was not something he was ready to share, he had to send a selfie, nothing inappropriate. At our age, sending a picture of your face is hard enough! Then it was his turn to ask, but he could not ask the same question as I had. We learned so much about each other, so fast. 100 questions is a lot! I can honestly say that I knew I was falling in love before we ever met face to face. We fell in love with who we were on the inside, and meeting each other in person validated all of it. Neither of us wanted to be away from each other. I found a quote that really touched me.

“If life can remove someone you never wanted to lose, it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of wanting.” – Char Sharp.

I wasn’t trying to replace Neal, and never would want to. But I did find someone to love that loved me too.

The nicest part of starting our relationship was that my parents, Todd’s parents, and even Neal’s parents fully supported us. My daughter, however, did not. It took a while for her to come around, and that was so very hard on me. I was torn, wanting to pursue my relationship with Todd, but not hurt my children. 

I decided that showing my children that I was willing to find happiness again would be better in the long run. I would be the example of moving forward with life. Staying where I was and worrying that I didn’t want to upset anyone would not show them that we still deserved to be happy.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

I know many people felt I was moving way too fast with this relationship, but as they say, “when you know, you know.” Well, I knew with Todd. I married him on New Year’s Day 2019. Todd had 4 sons, so together we have 7 children, the oldest one in heaven. We now have 7 grandchildren, 6 live in the same town as us. I found new hope in my future with Todd and his family! I am so very thankful for the love he shows me everyday and the understanding he has of my grief. I have been blessed!

Moving away was hard. I didn’t know anyone other than Todd. I started a new job, but when Covid hit, the place I worked didn’t feel right anymore. It has taken me a while to find the right place to take care of those sweet babies, but I really love where I am now. 

There have been so many changes! I know God has my life all planned out and I am right where I am supposed to be, but navigating the destination can be a tough, scary road! 

As I grieve the loss of my loved ones and reminisce on all the memories, I look back with smiles and with tears. I remember all of the laughter and note all the changes that have occurred. I can’t help but fear future losses, but as I face this fear, I will also try to embrace the changes and find the blessings along the way. 

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