“You can be a victim of cancer, or a survivor of cancer. It’s a mindset.” – DAVE PELZER

I was born in December 1969, right before Christmas. I was the fifth of six kids that my mother had. She had three children with her first marriage and three with my father. The oldest and youngest are boys with four girls in the middle.
At age 3, I was diagnosed with acute myeloblastic leukemia, a form of AML. I was given three months to live. Mom said I got sick after she found me jumping on the bed and she saw a flash come out of my mouth. I had put a camera flash cube in my mouth! Somehow, it had gone off, and she believes that event somehow triggered my illness.

Before I was diagnosed, I would complain that my bones and stomach hurt. I was pale, and weak. The doctors couldn’t find what was wrong with me. They thought I was pretending to be sick for attention because mom had too many children.  When I was finally diagnosed, I was treated at Salt Lake Children’s Hospital. I spent the first year in the hospital and my mother stayed with me. My sister Amy, and younger brother John, were mostly taken care of by our older siblings.

Mom saw many young children come and go. Some going home, some going to Heaven. It was very traumatic for her and I both!

I remember the first time I was able to go outside. I was in a wheelchair, and had my IV’s all hooked up. Mom and a nurse got to push me around the outside of the hospital. I can still picture it today!

I remember painting a plaster puppy dog with droopy cheeks. I was very young, and painted the smile down along the cheeks.  The nurses kept asking me why I painted the puppy with a frown. I remember feeling like I had messed up somehow. I felt like they didn’t like my painting!

The doctors there did not feel I would survive and told my mother it looked bleak. She gave them the authority to do anything and everything they could to save me.  I was given a lot of experimental drugs, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, blood transplants, bone marrow transplants, and who knows what else!

I was very, very ill and near death when one day I sat up in bed (which I hadn’t done for awhile) and told my mom that grandma and grandpa were there to take me with them.  They had both passed away. Mom screamed “No, you can’t take my baby! You can’t take her away from me!” I do not specifically remember this event, but I had recurring dreams for many years of being in a white room with a woman sitting on the edge of my bed. I would tell mom about it, and eventually she told me that she believes it was my memory of that event.

I still was not doing better, and Christmas was approaching. The doctors told mom that she should take me home to spend some time with the family before I passed.  There had been decorations up at the hospital and volunteers that came in, sang and brought small gifts to the children who were there.  I knew it was Christmastime.  Mom told me we were going home to spend Christmas with my brothers and sisters.  She said I lit up and asked her, “Christmas isn’t over yet?” After that, she said everything changed, I seemed happier and wanted to keep fighting.

Eventually, we moved to California and I was treated at Stanford University Hospital where they slowly weaned me off the massive medications, and I went into full remission at age 12.

I remember very little about my childhood before the age of 12. Only a few very impactful memories, and the majority of them were pretty traumatic. 

I was cautious and shy around new people, but pretty demanding around those I knew. My siblings all called me “Queenie” because I usually got whatever I wanted. 

When people would learn about my cancer, they would reply with comments such as; “You are a miracle,” “You have been chosen by God,” or “God must have a special plan for you.” 

Those words scared me! Why was I more worthy to survive cancer than any other child? I wasn’t!

I was raised with LDS upbringings, and in my understanding, the only type of child God would ever have special plans for was a “Molly Mormon” child. One that was obedient and righteous, following the word of God. In no way, shape, or form was our family obedient, righteous, or following the word of the Lord! We were extreme Jack Mormons, who knew what the church expected of us, but we did not practice the beliefs at all.

I felt a heavy burden. I felt like a victim of my cancer for putting this pressure on me to be perfect. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that it was the church that put that burden on me, not my cancer, or God. I can remember thinking if the people in the church knew how our lives really were, they would kick us out. If the church wouldn’t want me, then God definitely wouldn’t want me!

I started to act out, proving to myself that I was unworthy. I started smoking and drinking by age 12. I had a skewed way of searching for acceptance when it came to boys, snuck out, and partied a lot! My parents were not happy at all together. Our house was full of dysfunction and lacked supervision, so me rebelling against my “calling” was not really addressed. 

I really hated life and the environment I lived in. I moved out of my parent’s house 4 times during my high school years, attending 5 in total!

I really struggled feeling like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I longed for the perfect home life! 

This is why getting pregnant with Ryan was an answered prayer! He was the absolute light in my darkness! I had a reason to live! I had always wanted babies… lots of babies! Doctors had said I would never have children because of the cancer treatments I had been given. But now, somehow, God was actually giving me something I truly wanted. Someone to love with my whole being. Someone I could make the perfect home life with!

I had never been taught any other religion. I never had any reason to doubt what I had learned. It wasn’t until my 20’s that I started to question the teachings of the Mormon religion. This came after marrying Neal and he would ask questions. I started studying the Bible, learning about God’s word, and decided I wanted to get baptized in the Lutheran church. Neal participated in my baptism. 

I know that having cancer was the foundation for my fear in life, but I truly believe the Mormon church was the primary factor that pushed me to act out so negatively. I am who I am today because of every single part of my past. I can’t change what has happened, I can only try to gain a different perspective, a better mindset on the experiences.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” – Mother Teresa 

I do not want to bash the LDS church. I am not saying it is bad for everyone and I believe the leaders have changed their mindset somewhat over the years. I really wish, however, all religious leaders would be aware of how harmful it is to cast judgment over people. Feeling ashamed for being human is not the way to teach spiritual growth. God knows we are all full of sin. It took me a long time, but now I know that no matter what anyone believes, He loves us unconditionally!  He will accept us into Heaven, even if we are far from perfect!  

God knows our choices before we ever make them. The choices we make do not influence God’s love for us, and it should not determine the acceptance from your church.

I really look forward to the day I get to be with our Heavenly Father and reunite with Ryan and all my other loved ones who have passed!