Whenever I hear the song: “Best Day of My Life,” by American Authors… I think of Ryan. Mostly because of the day he called me upset that he had a tick infestation and he said “Well this is probably the worst day of my life!” I remember thinking for a split second that I was sure there would be worse days, but hopefully not.” Ugh!

One thing that I know for sure is that there were soo many BEST days of his life. I am quite sure that the day of July 6th as he was meeting his girlfriend’s family, playing horseshoes, and bragging about all of his guns and adventures, that he was thinking how this was one of the best days of his life. So ironic that 12 hours after he was standing all proud talking with his girlfriend’s uncle, that it would forever mark the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. 7/7/13. 

It doesn’t ever get easier to live with this grief! It will forever be a pain way too great to ever accept.

I think about Nate and Haley and how much the future has to hold for them… I pray they will have so many best days of their lives ahead of them. I hope I get to spend as many with them as possible, even though Haley is moving over 4 hours north of me and Nate lives over 6 hours south of me.

I will always cherish the best days; having my babies, getting married, having grandchildren, the times we have all been together.  I remember at Nate’s graduation party feeling soo extremely proud and blessed- God truly gave me the perfect family! We had the best of friends and really had the best of times. That was the “before.” My life will always be marked with a “before” and “after.”  There have been many more best days since the “before” and there will be many more to come, but I will forever long for the “before” when my Ryan was still with me.

I fear the hardest days of my life that are still to come. I really wish I could say that the worst days have passed, but I know better than that. I pray God will let my children and grandchildren survive me. I know so many parents have to survive the loss of their children multiple times. I’m sure God must carry them in his arms so much of their life! 

Songs really stir emotions for me. I suppose that is the purpose. When I hear the songs that we chose for Ryan’s memorial video, it hits me hard. I cherish them, but ache listening to them. My friend that recently lost her son let me know how much she was struggling to pick songs for her son’s service. I remember that struggle. Knowing she was going through it took me right back to the exact spot when I was sitting on the couch with Neal trying desperately to pick the right ones for Ryan. We wanted Nate and Haley to be a part of the choices too. It was so difficult. We wanted to pick songs that really represented him, not just sad songs. Each of us picked at least one song that felt good to us.

When I was pregnant with Ryan I would always sing “Waiting for a Star to Fall” by Boy Meets Girl. The chorus sings, “Waiting for a star to fall and carry your heart into my arms.”  I knew he was going to be everything good in my life.

After he died, I would sit outside and stare up at the sky and sing the song “Stars” by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. “I can’t look at the stars, it makes me wonder where you are.” I am always looking up into the sky looking for signs from him. 

At age 3, Ryan sang “You are my Sunshine” while he sat on my mom’s lap as I recorded him. One of the most precious memories of his childhood! He was such a sweet boy even though he dreamed of being the Terminator!

Like I have mentioned in other blogs, Ryan loved to mess with people to get a reaction out of them. He would be on road trips at times for work and when a coworker would be riding with him in his truck, he would play Enya, or something similar to make a memorable, but hysterical trip. So now when I hear Enya, of course I think of Ryan and giggle.

When I look at pictures of Ryan, I see his face, but it’s the memory of him in that moment, alive and happy, that I really treasure. When I see pictures of him when I wasn’t with him, I can see the emotions in his facial expressions, and I love seeing those, but I don’t have the memory of that moment. Videos of him are priceless whether I was with him or not! The video of him swing dancing on the boat to “Wagon Wheel” by Darius Rucker is one I will always treasure. 

I believe our path in life is predetermined. I know that every event in my life has led me to the next junction and chapter in my life. I really related to “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts, when I met and fell in love with Todd. I am so thankful for him and the love we have for eachother. We work hard to enjoy life together and not take each other for granted. He is a great husband who cares about my happiness. Without all of the broken parts of my life, I probably wouldn’t have Todd in my life now.

I do believe that our end date is predetermined as well. In September 2013, just 2 months after Ryan died, a song called “Say Something” by A Great Big World was released. In the song, they sing “Say something, I’m giving up on you. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. And anywhere, I would have followed you.” That song described the anguish I felt when I wasn’t able to be with Ryan before he passed, but it also described the need for me to know he was okay and in a safe place. I wanted him to find a way to tell me, personally, that he was still with me, at least spiritually!

When I hear the song “I Can Only Imagine,” by MercyMe, I not only imagine what I will do when I see Jesus, but I imagine what I will do when I see Ryan! I can’t wait!

Ryan does show me he is with me. I know we will be together again someday. I miss him soo very much- every second, every day!

I am sharing the link to Ryan’s Memorial Video here. I hope you will watch it all the way through! ❤️

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