This month is the toughest month! I hate that it brings another year to my grief, never giving respite to my relentless pain. The monster called grief that I somehow have tamed to just show itself when I choose, comes out of hiding as we enter July. This monster doesn’t just hide here or there, it follows me, it confronts me, staring into my eyes. It grips at my heart and claws its way into any joy or pleasure I find. 

“The monster inside your head is the only one that can truly defeat you.” – Alan J. Garner.

I take time off from work surrounding my son’s memorial date and service anniversary. A week to feel and connect. The fact that we had the service the same weekend of the biggest event in Sheridan County makes participation tough. We chose that weekend partly due to timing, but mostly because of how much Ryan loved that time of year. 

I plan a week of camping to be outdoors, in nature. That is the way he grew up and he loved it. That is how I honor him, by doing the things he loved the most in the mountains he adored. I attend Rodeo Week because, to me, it represents celebration, friendships, and remembrance.

Ryan was strong willed and he was so fun to be around. He was funny and very adventurous. You hear survivors say that their loved one that has passed “lived a full and meaningful life.” But Ryan really did. In his short 24 years, he was a master at so many things, he traveled all over the states and even went to Norway. His friends and family never questioned whether he loved them because he told us and always gave hugs. He was so very handsome and knew it. He had confidence and was proud of the choices he made in life. 

I love and miss him so much! 

“For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move…” – Mathew 17:20

I have faith that I will be with him again someday, but sometimes that faith is only as big as the mustard seed. I wish my faith was always as big as the mountain. I spend a lot of time praying about and searching for that faith throughout the year, but in July, when I am face to face with the monster, I find the greatest faith. I can feel Ryan with me, I hear him in my thoughts, and I will find signs of him surrounding me, reminding me of the times we shared. It is such a bittersweet whirlwind of emotions. Thankful for what I had with him, so sorrowful of what was taken away. It’s not fair. No parent should have to survive the loss of their child.

I wish I never had to share my story of losing Ryan, but it does help to talk about it… helps in a very painful way.

Ryan was attending his girlfriend’s family reunion on the 6th of July, 2013. It was at her cousin’s house. I am quite sure Ryan was bragging to Jason (her cousin) and his dad about all of his guns and telling them how he was teaching Kaci (his girlfriend) to target shoot. Jason took Kaci into the bedroom to look at a shotgun he had. Ryan stayed in the kitchen with Jason’s dad, talking. The kitchen was all set for the family to eat. Family gathered outside playing horseshoes and other games while children ran around playing. As Jason took the gun down, it discharged and shot through the wall hitting Ryan in the head. One pellet above his right ear, one behind his right ear and one in his forehead. That’s all it took. Three little pellets took my baby away. 

I was never angry at Jason or Kaci. I believe it was more of a freak accident than negligence, but many don’t feel the same as me. I look at Ryan’s life and feel confident that God had his life planned perfectly, even his death.

This year I will be spending time out in the wilderness on my brother’s family ranch. Ryan spent so much of his life there, hunting, fishing, working, and playing! I can’t wait to explore and be where he was. It brings comfort and a sense of closeness to me. I plan to take some of his ashes there. I especially want to put some in the pond where he caught his first fish! 

After camping, I will attend Rodeo Weekend and some of the festivities. The high school I attended is having a big “all 80’s class reunion.” It will be nice to see friends from the past and reminisce. Many of them knew my son.

More than anything, I want others to know my son. Those who knew him, remember him. Those that didn’t, I hope I talk about him enough that you feel like you knew him. The pictures of him speak a thousand words too. He really was amazing and he was my son! How blessed was I!

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