“The most important day is the day you decide you’re good enough for you. It’s the day you set yourself free.” – Brittany Josephina
How does it feel to believe you’re good enough? I struggle believing that I am not good enough. My insecurities aren’t about whether I am liked or not, it is about whether I have done the best I could have done for the people I love. I haven’t always made the best choices, making more than my share of mistakes in life. The expectations I think I am capable of are what drives my thoughts of not being good enough. I look back at the relationships I have had with friends and family, and they are full of “would haves, could haves, and should haves”.
As a young child, having leukemia, I was singled out from my other five siblings. I only have very few memories before the age of 10, but I do know that I was not given the same opportunities as the others. I wasn’t able to, I was sick. When I was in the hospital, I was aware that the rest of my siblings were home without me. I am not sure if this was the beginning of me not feeling good enough. I was, however, definitely given more attention, especially by my mother.
As an adolescent, being raised as a Mormon, I felt a tremendous guilt that I was not living up to their expectations. I didn’t wonder if I was good enough, I wasn’t! I knew that if they could see the truth about me and my family, we would be kicked out. Thinking that this church was honestly defining God’s expectations and love, I knew, God must not love me. I wasn’t worthy. I would hear how God chose me as a special one because I had survived cancer. How He had special plans for me. But inside, I believed what the LDS church said about being righteous enough to enter the kingdom of God. I feared the Devil, and laid awake at night worried that he was in control of me. I was not good enough. I spent my later adolescence trying to prove that fact to the world. I didn’t care about the choices I made, because ultimately, I was to be damned anyway.
As a student, I had to work hard to get good grades. I wasn’t able to retain information for long, so I had to constantly review material. I wasn’t athletic at all, in fact, pretty clumsy and very pigeon toed. I was far from the prettiest or skinniest. I really never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even hanging out with the “bad kids” smoking our cigarettes at lunch time, I wasn’t a close friend to them. We didn’t hang out after school ever. I didn’t feel good enough to be a part of any of those groups. It wasn’t until high school when I started drinking and became part of the party group. We had crazy parties and got crazy intoxicated. I made many embarrassing choices that I still regret to this day.
“You are not your mistakes; they are what you did, not who you are.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang
As a daughter, I feel a lot of guilt for not being more respectful, for not making good choices, for intentionally being defiant. I have seen children over the years that are so disrespectful to their parents and I tend to blame the parents for allowing that to happen. I do believe that my family structure played a huge role in my behaviors. Our family was so dysfunctional by the time I was in high school, I think all parenting skills were just thrown out the window. Everyone was just in survival mode, including my parents. That doesn’t take away the regret I feel. I did have choices. I am very fortunate to be so close to both my parents today. Forgiving the choices they made has never been a problem for me. Forgiving myself is.
As a friend I have always had a wall put up. I had a few close friends in high school, but they were usually a bit tumultuous. I have had great friendships as an adult, but distance has played a factor in our ability to stay close. Having gone through the loss of my son and my husband, I find that helping others in their grief is hard. I feel guilty for not being more present with others. I had friends that stayed with me for so long after losing Ryan. I never felt worthy enough for that amount of kindness. I wish I could be as good of friend to others as some have been for me. As time goes on, I have built my walls up bigger and stronger than ever when it comes to friendship. I hate not having anyone I feel so close to, but I also feel I carry so much baggage with all the losses in my life that nobody would want me around for very long. I have friends that intentionally chose to not share any of their troubles with me because they don’t want to add more to my plate! That hurts me. I want to feel good enough to help them through everything. I don’t want them to feel like I have too much, even if I do!
As a woman it has been hard to feel like I am good enough. I have struggled with weight all my life. I see others who seem so comfortable and confident in their appearance and wonder why every person can’t be. Why can’t I be? I had a “friend” once tell me that I should never go out without makeup on. I never felt pretty, but after hearing this, I really felt ugly. Since then, I always wear makeup unless I’m staying home or at the lake. My sisters were all older than me, but always smaller, everywhere except their breasts anyways. I looked up to them and envied them. I believed that I had to gain approval of men by any other means than appearance. The only person who has ever tried to encourage me that I was good enough in my physical appearance (other than my mother) is my husband Todd. I don’t feel pretty and I am definitely not proud of my body, but I do feel good enough around Todd. He won’t let me believe anything else.
As Neal’s wife, I question how good I could have been. I wonder if I should have seen signs that he was suicidal. I wonder if I could have done anything differently to help him. Was it my fault? I always felt like I loved him so much more than he loved me. In twenty-five years, we only had a handful of bad fights between us. I always felt like our relationship was stronger than most other couples. Yet, I never felt like I was good enough for him. He was smart, funny, and everyone loved him.
As a mother I feel horrible guilt that my children are living without him in their lives. He was the better parent and they deserve him. He was the one that had all the answers. He made things make sense. I, on the other hand, was over-reactive. I brought the gasoline to the fire, so to say. I try really hard not to over-react to life’s situations now, but it is tough for me. Haley has recently had major health issues and has gone into anaphylactic shock twice. With her living over four hours away, I can’t stop worrying. Unfortunately, we need to wait until she has another reaction to test her blood and hopefully get a diagnosis. I have guilt that I wasn’t with Ryan in his final hours. I just want to be right with my kids, regardless of their age, anytime they are struggling. I want to be the best I can be for them. I want to be good enough to make up for the fact that they only have me.
The one thing that I am very confident in, is my ability to take care of babies. I really feel fortunate to have the job I do and unconditionally love on those babies. I find such a sense of peace holding and caring for those precious gifts from God. I know now, that God’s love for me (and all his children) is so much greater than any love we could have for anyone here on earth.
As I think about my children, grandchildren, and these babies I have cared for over the years, I can’t imagine them feeling less than good enough about themselves! They may not have all of these qualities that I expect from myself, but they are more than good enough. In my eyes, they are all so very perfect, each in their own way. So, as I ponder the thought that God indeed, made me to be the perfect me, regardless of the choices I have made, I will strive to feel good enough. I will strive to feel good enough just for me, and trust that even if I haven’t done the best I could have in the past, I will learn from those mistakes and do better going forward.
“You are good enough because you house within yourself a heart that beats deeply and feels without question. You are good enough because that beating heart gives you the ability to love someone in the most profound way. That is all that matters. Your past does not matter, your faults do not matter, the only thing that matters is that you have a heart.” – Bianca Sparacino
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