“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” – Cheryl Strayed

I want to heal. I understand that I will always grieve, but grief is different from trauma. Trauma puts your brain into a survival mode and your brain releases hormones. Those hormones, cortisol and epinephrine, are more likely to be released with each subsequent stressor in your life triggering your brain back into that survival mode. EMDR is a way to rewire your brain so you aren’t always feeling this heightened response to stress.

“EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.  When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound.  If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.  EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes.  The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health.  If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering.  Once the block is removed, healing resumes.” – EMDR Institute, Inc.

I have completed a couple different targets with EMDR.  Recently, I have been doing more sessions focusing on the night Ryan was shot and the day he died. I have told that story mostly in bits and pieces to people and written the specifics down to share, but telling it and living it are very different. 

Everyone who was with me through that night had a pretty good idea of all the details. But not all of it. They were not on the phone with me when I was talking to the nurse, doctors, or chaplain. They were not in my room with me as I lay curled up in a ball with Neal right there beside me trying to process the intense grief. Neal was there every step of the way. We shared that surreal experience together as Ryan’s parents and as husband and wife. We didn’t need to talk about all the in-between moments because we were both there. What I am realizing, is that those in-between moments are actually huge moments and were life altering. After Neal took his own life, there wasn’t anyone who could ever comprehend the depths that we were taken to. Now, instead of having this partner that lived it with me, I only have my story to tell you. I am still so mad at him for leaving me with that sadness to carry, but my family that was there that night knew what was happening, and they continue to support me and will listen when I need to talk. I am so thankful for them!

I have so many good things in my life, so many blessings. Todd and I truly love each other and we do so many fun, great things together. We have everything I could ever dream of having, plus more! I am living my best life. Deep down, however, there is the deep pain that seems to prevent me from experiencing a happiness that I once experienced. I have this wall that was built with my son’s death that is always present with me. I just want to feel really happy again. This is why I decided to do EMDR and target Ryan’s death. It will take multiple sessions and even more time to process, but the end goal (however unconscious it may be) is to be able to allow myself to be happy.

“EMDR therapy focuses directly on the memory, and is intended to change the way that the memory is stored in the brain, thus reducing and eliminating the problematic symptoms.” – American Psychological Association 

There are real side effects to this therapy and I wasn’t really prepared for that this time. As I was in the first session, I was reliving all the moments, including the “in-between” moments that I have not really talked about since he died. Re-living a decade of silenced emotions is very tough. I had a very hard time separating myself from then and now. My grief felt brand new again and I was scared, unsure if I could survive. I was struggling to breathe again. I had to keep reminding myself that I had already survived this loss, I just needed to keep breathing, and try to calm my heightened anxiety. I was a wreck for the first two weeks. I was questioning why I would even do this to myself. How in the world could this be helpful?  

“EMDR is one of the more intensive therapy treatments that can leave you feeling heightened for hours or days after your session. You may be experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, sensitivity, or irritation. This is common and it shows that the process is working as your body and mind continues to reprocess your trauma or target memory.” – Somaly Nou 

I was communicating with my therapist and met back with her for the next two weeks to process before doing another EMDR session. I wanted to do more right away, but I had to take the time to calm myself emotionally. 

One month after the first session, I felt ready for the second. I prepared myself better for what to expect. While doing the EMDR, you are encouraged to go wherever your thoughts take you, try flow with the process. So, as I was talking, I suddenly found myself really focused on Ryan’s hand. I could see it so clearly, in great detail. I started sobbing, wishing so bad I had held his hand and had been with him when he passed. 

After Ryan passed, I received a plaster handprint from the nurse that cared for Ryan. It was so very thoughtful, the only thing is, that it was post-mortem, and his hand wouldn’t go flat. In this process, I was feeling angry that she was able to hold his hand and not me. I started seeing his hand in that post-mortem state, kind of in a cupped shape. My sobs turned into a full on panic attack. I became dizzy, my head was pounding, my heart was racing, and I couldn’t breathe. My therapist had to help me regain control by being mindful of where I was. I had to focus on my breathing and go to my safe place in my mind. It took me quite awhile to feel calm enough to end the session for the day but I did it. I feel anxiety just typing this out. I was not expecting for my thoughts to go where they did. I didn’t realize that this was part of my trauma. I know I have had anxiety attacks before but I believe this was the first panic attack I had experienced.

“Panic attacks are sudden and intense bursts of fear or terror, while anxiety attacks are characterized by persistent and ongoing worry and physical symptoms.” – Rachel Engel, Lexipol

After the sessions, you are supposed to do a lot of self care and try not to focus on the details too much. This allows your brain to process and put it into memory in a different context. When it does come up, you should make notes and pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you are feeling stressed or anxious, you should try to calm yourself and go back to your safe place mentally. I try to give myself grace when I am working on my emotional health. I have been making sure I get in the hot tub before bed, that helps me a ton! I try to breathe deep breaths when I feel stressed or anxious, and I am trying to focus on a positive mindset when I start to feel irritable. I make a choice to put the thoughts away in my “box” until I am ready to process more. I usually talk with Todd when I am struggling, write in my blogs, or wait for my therapy sessions.

“Compartmentalization [is] a defense mechanism that allows you to keep anxiety in check by separating certain thoughts or emotions from others, essentially putting them into different mental “boxes”. – Verywell Mind

I have struggled to write my blogs through this process. I start to get anxious and need to allow myself to stay as calm as possible. My story, however, is far from over. I have much more to share. I am looking forward to feeling happier and getting a new mindset. It isn’t happening overnight…after all,  it has taken a decade just to get here, but I am still here. I know that God has my back and I know I will be with Ryan again someday and able to hold his hand all I want! 

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