“Our greatest battles are that with our own minds.” – Jameson Fran

The first time I really consciously thought about trying to change my mindset was when I decided to have my foot surgeries. Instead of focusing on the pain, I changed my words and thoughts to “this is what it feels like to heal.” It wasn’t always easy, but I knew it was going to be a long hard road to recovery and I wanted to feel better so bad!

I have struggled lately to find a positive mindset. I have felt the weight of grief much deeper the last two months. Other situations have brought me stress, anxiety, and even anger.

There are the end of summer changes at my job, which always causes some anxiety with different babies entering and new aids starting.

My daughter moving this week has caused me a great deal of anxiety. It was so truly painful to walk away from her and drive back to Spearfish. I was bawling. I hated leaving her alone in a town so far away. I know she is super capable, intelligent, and will make friends quickly, but it was really tough on me. I am sure it was reactivating the trauma from 6 years ago when I left her in Sheridan to move to Spearfish. 

Adding to my negative thoughts, I feel like this summer has really let me down. It started with the loss of my friend’s son. Most of the weekends have been filled with smoke from Canada, rain storms, and winds! It is so much work getting everything ready to go camping and then cleaning it all up to start over in 5 days. When the weather doesn’t cooperate, it is definitely a let down. We did have a couple great weekends at the end of July, and we were able to fish and float in the lake. We were also able to camp on the Missouri River and do some fishing and laying in the sun when we moved Haley this past weekend. 

That is my happy place in the summer… laying in the sun frees me from my worries, stresses, and fears. It allows me to connect to God and Ryan in a peaceful way. I feel safe and comfortable.

“You have to find that place that brings out the human in you, the soul in you, the love in you.” – R.M Drake

Trying to find that positive mindset in the day to day routines of life takes work. Work that I often forget to do. I calm myself by taking time to meditate. I close my eyes, and breathe. I focus all my thoughts into the air going in my nose, down my throat, into my lungs, and filling my stomach, and then, I exhale as I feel the air passing back through. Once I feel calm and comfortable, I imagine myself on a sandy beach. I start by feeling the sand on my hands and feet. I imagine the ocean waves coming in and the sounds they make. I think about the salty air and mist in my face. I picture the horizon with the sun, warm on my skin. I try to smell the ocean breeze. I love this happy place. I can vividly imagine being on a beach. I have strong memories throughout my life of visiting beaches. These memories have made very positive connections in my brain. 

I have been studying how the brain can heal from trauma the past couple of years, our neuroplasticity. Our life experiences cause neurons to connect in our brain. These connections along with all our other past connections determine how we respond to situations. In traumatic experiences, our body goes into flight or fight mode. We are literally in survival mode. In this trauma state, our brain makes connections that can cause overwhelming feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, or panic. Later on, sights, sounds, smells, or a similar experience will trigger those feelings.

Typically when faced with fear, I go into fight mode. I have never been one to back down or run away. I suppose that is how I have survived all the trauma in my life without shutting down all together. When in the survival fight mode, the traumatic connections are made. Trauma sensitizes the nervous system and causes inflammation which can affect how neurons are transmitted. In survival mode, there is an increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate. When the body rhythms return to normal those connections are there, just waiting to be activated again. 

These connections that cause recurring negative emotions can be re-wired, however. To re-wire an experience, you need to “revisit” it, by telling the story in some fashion. Some people write about it, talk about it, use art to express it, visit nature, pray… but it takes a lot of time and practice. The more you are able to visit the experience, the less scary it becomes and the more you can gain emotional control over it. You must want to change your mindset for it to change. I write, draw, talk about it a lot, and use Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Each EMDR session allows me to focus on a specific memory or trigger and process through it while combining eye movements with my therapist who guides me with instructions. This process helps me separate the past traumatic experience from the present memory, meaning I can remember it without feeling like I am reliving it. EMDR is amazing, but people need to be ready for it in their journey for it to work. I am an ongoing work in progress, but I am advancing on my journey. 

I try to surround myself with as much positivity as possible and focus on what is good. That is my way of finding my “sunshine” when life is tough. My little newborns are the ultimate blessing of perfect positivity. As long as I can be in my classroom with my babies, I thrive! I truly love all kids, but after 35 years in child care, I choose to stay with the newest babies!

“Babies are like little suns that, in a magical way, bring warmth, happiness and light into our lives.” – Kartini Diapari-Oengider

I try to embrace my emotions and allow myself to feel them. When I can acknowledge them, and look at the reason I am feeling them, they are less scary. I can process through my experience and try to learn from it. I continue to work on changing my mindset to allow positive thinking to grow. I try to remember that life is about living and sharing love. Living and loving means there will be ups and downs. I need to appreciate all the beauty that surrounds me. All of the challenges in life will not tear me down, I will learn and grow through them. I will always have grief, but I do not need to live in a traumatic state with that emotion. I trust that I am on a journey that God has chosen and His plans are plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

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